The New York Mets Sale Is A Good Thing, But That TV Deal Needs Help

The New York Mets Sale Is A Good Thing, But That TV Deal Needs Help

It’s impossible to be a New York Mets fan and not have heard the good news. The Wilpon family-who have been majority owners of the New York Mets since 2002 and part time owners for years before that- sold the team to billionaire investor and probably criminal Steve Cohen for a sum reported to be $2.4 billion dollars. Can you imagine buying a car and spending three years cleaning it, while the other fifteen years you spend your time shitting in that same car?

To think, back in 2002 the Wilpons said “For $400 million we can buy this team, do a horrible job managing it, have three decent seasons over 18 years, and we can sextuple our money when we sell it. During a global pandemic. While all the while we draw income from the team for ourselves, and also get ourselves a new arena paid for by the public AND get ourselves a TV channel so unpopular that no other regional area sports team wants to play on it, largely because they know we won’t pay them.”

We’ve all read about the winding down of the Wilpon Mets era. Well, the winding down of the majority of ownership. They’re still 5% owners of the team, meaning they still have an over $120 million share of the organization, and will partake in 5% of profits, assumedly. Nice pay out for failing.

But this isn’t meant to rehash stuff you’ve read about the sale or the team or anything else. Until Major League Baseball approved the sale of the Mets- and yes, the owners will approve the sale of the Mets because it makes all of their franchises more valuable because major sports teams only gain and never lose value – this is all conjecture. But I expect one thing to happen after the sale of the NY Mets: the sale of SNY.

SNY is the cable channel you can find the Mets on. And that’s about it. It’s one of the shittiest channels on TV, hands down. What brings me to that conclusion? Let me share with you what would happen if I watched SNY from the time I’m writing this through the next roughly 24 hours. Would you find the following programming captivating?

  • Amateur boxing from 9 to 11 pm
  • The same 30 minute long sports show from 11 pm until 2 am. One debut with 5 identical repeats.
  • Paid infomercial- 2:00 am to 2:30 am
  • Air fryer infomercial- 2:30 am to 3:00 am
  • Infomercial on medicine- 3:00 to 3:30 am
  • Different Infomercials 3:30 to 4:00 am, 4:30 to 5 am, 5 to 5:30am, 5:30 to 6 am
  • Condensed Mets game (they lost by 10) 6 am to 7 am
  • 7 am to 9 am- the same 30 minute highlight show from the night before run four times in a row. Disgusting.
  • Four 30 minute infomercials 9 am through 11 am
  • Condensed Mets game (they lost by 10, but at this point it feels like 30) until noon
  • ANOTHER HOUR of the 30 minute sports highlight show. So far that’s 12 shows of that shit in 16 hours.
  • 1 pm- 3pm Mets Yearbook, for the 1962, 1963, 2015 and 2018 seasons. Three of those years were washouts.
  • 3 pm to 6 pm-  A Mets game.
  • 6 to 6:30- Game recap
  • 6:30- 7:30 Documentary on the 2015 trade deadline. They’ve easily shown this shit 400 times
  • 7:30 -8:00pm. Documentary on baseball in the Dominican Republic.
  • 8:00 to 11pm- a replay of the entire game where Wilmer Flores hits a game winning homerun after he was traded and rescinded, but before he was released a few years later.

This is some shit. Who the fuck would buy this? 6 hours of informercials? 25% of the days programming are fucking infomercials. 6 hours of the same 30 minute sports show. Another 25% of the day repeating itself.

3 hours of historical shows. I’m fine with that, actually. 2 hours of replaying a beating they took at the hands of a better opponent. 3 hours of a new game, and 30 minutes of new discussion on the probable loss. 3 hours of a 5 year old game that was a turning point that the team almost didn’t have. And a 30 minute documentary that I’m sure has been repeated 200 times itself.

17% of the day has new material. 25% of the day are infomercials. How is it that Cohen would have to pay for this? You’d think that the Wilpons would have to pay him for taking a pile of shit off of their hands.

And yes, of course the Wilpons are in debt on the TV channel. Allegedly those infomercials and the lack of original content bring in $150 million a year of revenues. I’d bet the largest part is from being packaged as part of a basic cable package, a thing the Mets were 20 years behind the 8 ball in doing. You’d think if you own the team and bring in $150m in revenue you’d be ok? Nah. AMNY reports that the Mets are $850 million in debt in SNY. Meaning gthat the Wilpons are bleeding money out of the TV channel.

Understand that the Mets are partial owners of SNY. So the Wilpons are dragging other people down with them. This matters. SNY is valued at a billion dollars, but has $850m in debt. Mathematically, SNY is worth $150m. Which is more than what Cohen should be paying for a money loser that’s going to perpetually bleed as less and less people watch sports via a cable package and turn to the internet instead.

The Mets are unique at how late into the game they arrived for getting their own channel, and how late into the game they are at content, and how amazingly unprofitable they are at TV, but most of all, they’re just fucking stupid at running a business. Why?

Compare the 26 hour SNY TV schedule with any other viewing option you have. Are you tuning into the same 30 minute talk show 5 or 10 times a day? To the point, lets look at how other local teams handle this same scenario.

More of the same, over and over…

The Yankees share their channel in the offseason with the Brooklyn Nets. There are multiple MSG channels for the Knicks, Rangers, Islanders, and Devils. NO LOCAL CHANNEL HAS JUST ONE PRO TEAM. You would think the Mets would say “Jets Islanders Mets fans should have a home…let’s go get the hockey team with our colors for the winter and have a connection with the team we used to share a stadium with, so we’re not running so many shitty infomercials!” But that would mean the Mets would have to top the $25-30 million that the Islanders get for showing up on MSG Plus 5. And when you lose money at every turn because you suck? Well, you’re probably just going to lose more because you suck.

All he did was put a bad team on his back and got into the Hall of Fame…

Cohen doesn’t seem to mind spending money. Allegedly he spent as much on a single piece of art as the Wilpons did on the entire Mike Piazza contract. Let that sink in as to what this would mean for the Mets. So while I make it a habit of telling others how to behave professionally in order to look, you know, professional? And I get how Mets fans are so Stokholmed Syndromed to accept losing that everything I write has the impact of a genocide? Yeah, it’s time to expect more. Actually, that time was back in 1988. Like SNY becoming a channel, you’re late to the game for Mets fans who enjoy losing, but it doesn’t mean that you’re losers.

In the end, Cohen will be in negotiations for SNY. That’s great, I guess. I know my cable bill will go up for it. But Cohen needs a separate negotiation first. He needs another pro team, and I have just the one for him: The New York Islanders.

The Islanders have a nice deal from MSG because the Islanders Rangers rivalry was so hot in the late 1970’s and early 1980’s that at that point the 25 year old channel of MSG (told you the Mets were late to the game) gave the Islanders a very rich TV deal. The Rangers owners expected the Islanders to continue being competitive, and that never happened, so the Islanders were using that TV money to prop up a team that was so underpaid that the NHL instituted a salary floor to try to guarantee a product for the fans despite the owners being terrible. Looking at you, Charles Wang. Tim Thomas was an awesome Islander…cap hit.

You do know that at one point under Wang the Islanders had a national TV deal for $13 million and a local TV deal of $25 million on a team payroll that was $43 million and claimed a $20 million loss. If you’re bad at math I’ll help. $38 million of TV money, $43 million of payroll. This NOT considering advertising, the Canadian TV deal, parking lot revenue, T shirt sales, hot dog sales, beer sales, and OH YEAH ticket sales. But if all those streams never existed? $38m is NOT $20m less than $43m. Oh, and then with the NHL adding $5m to the Islanders budget for being a small market team? $43m is the same as $43m. And the Islanders had phantom cap hits not being paid. If you’re concerned with a Cohen organization being fined for insider trading, understand that the Islanders were 20 years ahead of the curve. And the owners got approved, even with one headed to jail.

Oh, does that Wang era and those statutes of limitations! How far we’ve come. There’s even rumors that if the Cohen- SNY negotiations somehow fall apart, the New York Islanders are looking to buy the channel. How far they’ve come.

But with Cohen? He can say to the Islanders- “We make $150 million a year. You can be $50 million of that revenue. It’s nearly double the MSG deal. You stop being on MSG 5 or C-SPAN. You get a home so that no channel surfer has to guess what channel the game is on every night. We get winter ratings without having 5579987 reruns of the David Wright story- which I am certain has been shown more times than we have viewers. And we can sell advertising at higher rates while having live sports, so it won’t actually cost us $50 million. Plus, we look like a legitimate sports channel.”

A second team a must. Lets face it, the Knicks and Rangers ARE MSG network. The Yankees have made the low rent Nets their 5 boroughs partner.  The Jets and Giants are major channel properties and unbiddable as a headliner. So what’s left? The orphaned franchise with the same color scheme playing 10 miles away from the newest mess that needs cleaning up.

And the Islanders absolutely need their own TV identity and home. It’s a no brainer.

Cable TV is a changing climate. Thanks to the Netflix model, channels will continue to go ala carte. SNY with one sport can not be a subscription service. SNY needs the Islanders- and probably more than amateur boxing- because the 45 actual classic Mets games will not fill another winter.

And a channel maybe losing money? That may actually help Cohen. For instance, say Cohen’s capital gains and taxable income is $300 million a year. But the Mets lose $300 million in that same year. Well, Cohen is effectively paying no taxes. The Mets can be a cost sink and Cohen will actually make more money from it. Also, sports teams themselves do not lose value, so even if Cohen somehow lost every dollar he has, he’s still a multi-billionaire.  

Fat Devin Townsend

This idea only works if Cohen gets SNY for pennies on the dollar. I’d think assuming the Wilpon debt may be enough to get the deal done. That type of thing never happens you say? Hmm. Didn’t the Islanders buy their practice rink for15% of the cost of actually building it? Yes, yes they did. Sometimes when people are desperate, you take advantage of it. The Wilpons are clearly desperate. They quibbled over keeping a $120 million stake of the Mets, which tells me $120 million means a lot to them. And it may be more than enough cash Cohen may need to buy a TV channel.

Introducing the Playoff Draft!

Introducing the Playoff Draft!

Want to make sports more exciting? Welcome to Playoff Drafts!

COVID brought all sorts of new ideas to sports. It may be the ultimate legacy to a botched public response to a global pandemic- new sports rules. Like? A baseball double header lasting 14 innings. If it goes extra innings? The inning starts with a guy on 2nd base. Everyone gets a DH, like the games are played in Oprah’s studio.

As a sport, baseball was way ahead of its rivals. They made fundamental short term changes to the game in order to have something that looked like a season. Football? Showed its true mentality. “SMASH! RUN!” was the Commissioners reaction grunt to how football would deal with fans and corona.

Two sports thought of a bubble. One thought of one without prostitutes, which may speak to the long run difference of being raised with one parent versus two.  

Wow…

But there was one change I would have liked to have seen be introduced in every sport. And not just this year, but going forward forever. That idea? Playoff drafts.

What’s a playoff draft? I’m not sure it even exists, so I get to totally create this new and brilliant idea. In theory, a playoff draft is a way to make playoff sports more interesting and exciting. How does it work? It goes like this:

Team A beats Team B in the playoffs. Fuck you, Team B, you pieces of shit! After A dispatches B, depending on the sport, Team A can harvest players off of Team B’s roster. How many players? Easy.

NBA? 1 guy. NHL? 2 guys. MLB? 2 guys. NFL? 3 guys.

A smart team would select other players to cover for weaknesses. Is your running back average? Steal the better one! Did a star player get hurt? Take the equivalent?

Think back to when the Jets beat anyone in the playoffs. In 2010 Tom Brady would have been a Jet. That’s a big wow factor, no?

The player additions are also a per round total. If your baseball team wins the play in and the wild card? You have 4 new guys on your team.

Forever? No. You get the player back on your team after the postseason.

Do you have to take other players? No, its up to your GM and coach.

You may say “Since we won, why would we take a player from the other team?” The better question is- Why wouldn’t you? What, you think by sharing how you’re coached a guy or two will have the keys to your weaknesses? They just lost to you, so if they couldn’t figure it out then, one player wont break a code in an extra week or two. The only thing he may figure out is that his regular coach sucks.

No, this is about rewarding winning. About adding excitement for the fan. About offering the best product that you possibly can. Plus now you get multi city appeal. Derek Jeter on the 2004 Red Sox? New York will be watching that World Series.

For the players, it’s like a free agency window. You get to check out other teams operations first hand. Players should love that because it will push wages up when they jump ship for teams that they liked.

What if there is an upset? Holy cow is that a game changer! Say The LA Lakers lose in the semi finals. Suddenly you have LeBron James or Anthony Davis coming off of your bench in the next round. That’s sudden interest in an underdog team. And the more LeBron, the more ESPN exists.

What about the guys that they replace? Those guys get put into suspended animation on your roster. New guy gets injured? Fuck off. You’re down one. You have to give the suspended animation list a positive sounding name so it doesn’t sound like a punishment. Call it the “Recent Reserves” list.

The 2020 New York Islanders and their awful power play beat the Capitals. Top 5 bust Michael Dal Colle goes on the Reserves list, add Alexander Ovechkin to your lineup. Power play issues solved, maybe the Islanders beat Tampa Bay and add Braden Point to their team at forward, and Victor Hedman on defense. But Tampa won….bet Josh Bailey wouldn’t be in their top ten players to poach list.

Reunited with Trotz? Power play solved.

Players you take in a playoff draft? They get playoff money shares, a title ring, but their name isn’t added to your team history or on the Stanley Cup. Their stats however are added to their personal history. Say Pete Alonso is taken by the Braves and hits 4 playoff home runs? That’s all Alonso stats, not the Braves.

The Celtics beat the Sixers? Suddenly backing up at point for the Celtics? Ben Simmons! Makes the game more interesting, and the team stronger. This year in the NBA Kawai Leonard would have been picked up by Denver. How would that change their approach in the next round?

Plus, the selection process itself would be super exciting. All sports leagues make a big deal about amateur drafts. Imagine the headlines of a professional draft? It would be interesting to see who would get picked. Sorry, choking ass Clayton Kershaw!

Whomp whomp!

And if you chose a player who was a bum? The second guessing would make a whole new world of sport talk what if’s. “Imagine how it would have turned out if the Yankees took Ichiro, Tim Hudson and Barry Zito in 2001? They win 6 World Series in a row!”

Think about the revenue opportunities available for sports teams. Sport leagues keep making money off of TV ratings. Why would they want to water down a product?

Could players throw games? Absolutely. That makes the selection more exciting- it’s the chance you take as a franchise. Plus, couldn’t a player throw a game in the playoffs anyway, or was John Starks that god awful bad versus Houston?

Reggie Miller was right

This idea is most definitely outside the box, and will insult sports purists. However, if would create dream teams in each sport, and that’s what fans want to see, right? So come on big leagues, time to grow a pair and start the playoff draft!

Clippers History Full of Broken Dreams

Clippers History Full of Broken Dreams

While the rest of the NBA world mourns the “Battle for LA” never materialized, Clippers fans are again wondering why success consistently avoids them.

Despite being everyone’s favorite to reach at least the Western Conference Finals after the offseason signings of Kawhi Leonard and Paul George, the Clippers let their fans down again.

While everyone knows about the woeful Game 6 loss against Houston in 2015, here are some other painful memories Clippers fans experienced in franchise history.

Game Five, 2014 Western Conference Semifinals at Oklahoma City

Leading 104-97 with 49 seconds remaining, the Clippers looked to take a 3-2 series lead. Multiple turnovers by Chris Paul results in Kevin Durant (five) and Russell Westbrook (three) scoring the final eight points of Oklahoma City’s 105-104 win. The Thunder eliminated Los Angeles in Game 6 to win the series 4-2.

Danny Manning tears ACL

After leading the University of Kansas to a National Championship in 1988, the Clippers selected Danny Manning with the number one overall pick in the 1988 NBA Draft.

Despite winning just nine of the 26 games he participated, Manning posted ten 20-point games while averaging 6.7 rebounds, and 3.1 assists in his promising start. However, Manning tore his anterior cruciate ligament against Milwaukee on January 4, ending his season.

Manning returned to the Clippers the following season, but never featured the same athletic ability. The Clippers traded him to Atlanta for Dominique Wilkins in February 1994, despite posting career-highs in PPG (23.7), RPG (7.0), and APG (4.2).

Ron Harper tears ACL

One of the rare instances in which the Clippers achieved something worthwhile featured their November 16, 1989 trade for Ron Harper. The Clippers traded their number two pick in the 1989 NBA draft (Danny Ferry) and Reggie Williams to Cleveland for Ron Harper and three draft picks (1990 & 1992 first-round picks and a second-round pick in 1991).

Harper averaged 23 PPG while leading Los Angeles to a 14-14 record in his first 28 games. The former Miami of Ohio standout continued his ascendency to join the elite shooting guards in the NBA. However, like Manning, Harper’s career with Los Angeles drastically changed on January 18, 1990, when Harper tore his ACL and done for the season. The Clippers lost 31 of their final 43 games.

Pair of Game 5 losses – Larry Brown’s departure

Despite crushing ACL injuries to Danny Manning and Ron Harper, the Clippers fortunes briefly changed after hiring Larry Brown on February 7, 1992. Brown led the Clippers to 23 wins in their final 35 games, helping LA reach the postseason for the first time since 1975-76.

While Brown changed the atmosphere, the Clippers still disappointed. Forcing Utah to a Game 5 in the first round of the 1992 playoffs, the Clippers led 52-40 at halftime. However, the Jazz rallied to win 98-89. 

In their first-round matchup against Houston in 1993, the Clippers couldn’t hold a late lead in Game 5, falling 84-80. Brown’s resignation on May 21 ended the Clippers brief uprisal.

Clippers, Rivers Make Wrong Kind of History

Clippers, Rivers Make Wrong Kind of History

Despite NBA experts extending an invitation to the Western Conference Finals after their marquis offseason signings of Kawhi Leonard and Paul George, the Los Angeles Clippers Clippers predictably failed in their 50th attempt. The much anticipated “Battle for LA” against their Staples Center’s co-inhabitants, will be put on hold for at least another year.

Most Seasons Played, Current Franchises
No Appearances in Conference Finals
Buffalo Braves/San Diego/Los Angeles ClippersNBA50
Charlotte Hornets/Bobcats/HornetsNBA30
Columbus Blue JacketsNHL19
Houston TexansNFL19

The Charlotte Hornets/Bobcats/Hornets rank second to the Clippers playing 30 seasons without reaching the Conference Finals.

RIVERS STANDS ALONE

While blowing a 3-1 series lead to Denver adds to their latest franchise failure, Doc Rivers made history himself. Rivers stands alone as the only coach in pro sports history to lose three series when holding a 3-1 advantage.

Most Series Losses, Leading 3-1 in Best-of-7 series
Head Coaches in Pro Sports
Doc RiversNBA3>>2003 (ORL), 2015, 2020 (LAC)
Bryan MurrayNHL21987 (WSH), 1991 (DET)
Jim SchonfeldNHL21995 (WSH), 1999 (PHX)
Marc CrawfordNHL21998 (COL), 2003 (VAN)
Dan BylsmaNHL22011, 2014 (PIT)

The late Bryan Murray (died of cancer in 2017) is the only head coach in major pro sports history to lose and win multiple series trailing 3-1. Murray lost the 1987 Patrick Division Semis with the Capitals and 1991 Norris Division Semis with the Red Wings, then rallied both teams the following season (defeated the Flyers in 1988 with Washington & the North Stars in 1992 with Detroit) when trailing 3-1.

NUGGETS HOPE TO MATCH ROYALS SUCCESS

The Nuggets joined the 1985 Kansas City Royals and 2003 Minnesota Wild as the only teams to erase multiple 3-1 series deficits in a single playoff year. The Nuggets will try to equal the Royals in winning a title, while the Wild lost in the Conference Finals to Anaheim.

The 1985 Kansas City Royals overcame 3-1 series deficits in defeating the Toronto Blue Jays and St. Louis Cardinals on their way to winning the World Series.

Rallied from Multiple 3-1 Series Deficits
Same Playoff Year
Result
2020Denver NuggetsNBA???
2003Minnesota WildNHLLost Conference Finals
1985Kansas City RoyalsMLBWon World Series

NBA/NHL Notes of Interest – August 2nd

NBA/NHL Notes of Interest – August 2nd

In this insane world of COVID-19, Esports is now non-fiction. Adjusting to the times, here are notes of interest surrounding professional sports in the United States.

While MLB adjusts to multiple teams administering quarantine guidelines, seven-inning doubleheaders, unequal amount of games, changes to extra-innings, and other rules, the NBA and NHL both resume this week minus seven and eight teams, respectively.

NBA


Five games on Saturday pushed the total to 13 since the restart on Thursday. COVID NBA produces dominant displays of offense, as point totals continue to soar.

NBA Per Game Totals
Before/Since COVID-19
BeforeSince
PPG223.4235.9
FGM81.781.9
FG Pct.0.460.466
3PTFGM24.224.9
3PT FG Pct.0.3570.358
FTM35.347
FT Pct.0.7710.793

While the rest of the league benefits, the Lakers 35.4 shooting percentage in their 109-92 loss to Toronto equaled their lowest since 2016.

T.J. Warren scored a career-high 53 for Indiana, matching an NBA season-high 20 field goals as the Pacers 127-121 victory moved them one-game ahead of Philadelphia for 5th in the East.

T.J. Warren set a career-high scoring 53 points in the Pacers 127-121 over the 76ers.

50-Point Games
Indiana Pacers HistoryOpponentPtsResult
11/28/1992Reggie MillerHornets57W, 134-122
1/4/2005Jermaine O’NealBucks55W, 116-99
8/1/2020T.J. Warren>>76ers53W, 127-121
11/11/1980Billy KnightSpurs52W, 119-117
>>Career-high (previous was 40)

Most FG Made, Single-Game
2019-20 NBA Season
OpponentFG MadePoints
8/1/2020T.J. Warren, IND>>PHI2053>>W, 127-121
12/11/2019James Harden, HOU@CLE2055W, 116-110
12/8/2019Anthony Davis, LALMIN2050W, 142-125
Seven Players with 19
>> Career-High (Previous was 40)

Zion and the Pelicans are 0-2 and four games back of Grizzlies.

I

n the West, New Orleans fell to 0-2 in the restart, falling 126-103 to the Clippers. Zion Williamson did not factor again, producing seven points in 14 minutes.

Zion Williamson
Totals, last two games
Minutes29
Points20
FG-FGA9-17
Rebounds5
Plus/Minus-33

NHL

A pair of 12 seeds won Game 1, as Chicago (11 points fewer than Edmonton) and Montreal (15 fewer than Pittsburgh) took 1-0 series leads. In his first playoff game, rookie Dominik Kubalik set an NHL postseason record, registering five points (2 goals, three assists) in Chicago’s 6-4 victory.

Most Points, NHL History
Rookies, First Career Playoff Game
OpponentPointsResult
8/1/2020Dominik Kubalik, CHIOilers5W, 6-4
4/7/1982Daryl Evans, LAKOilers4W, 10-8
24 Players with 3

Jeff Petry scored his first career playoff goal in his 19th game.

In the East, Jeff Petry scored his first career postseason goal (19th game) with 6:03 remaining in the first OT, as Montreal defeated Pittsburgh, 3-2. The game featured two penalty shots, as each team blew chances to put the game away. Game 2 is on Monday.

Overtime Postseason Penalty Shots
NHL History
OpponentResultTeam Result
8/1/2020Jonathan Drouin, MTLPenguinsMissW, 3-2 (0T)
4/22/2016Aleksander Barkov, FLAIslandersMissL, 2-1 (2 OT)
4/23/1998Aleksey Morozov, PITCanadiensMissL, 3-2 (OT)
4/24/1996Joe Juneau, WSHPenguinsMissL, 3-2 (4 OT)

The New York Islanders won two of their final 13 games (2-7-4) before COVID-19 but entered Toronto winners of four straight against first-round opponent Florida. The Panthers scoring troubles against the Islanders continued, scoring one goal for the third consecutive game. The Islanders, outscoring Florida 7-3 in their last three wins, can take a 2-0 series lead on Tuesday.

In the East’s 6-11 matchup, the Rangers fell 3-2 to Carolina. New York was 0-7 on the power play in the loss.

Cheerleaders are Fu**ing Useless

Cheerleaders are Fu**ing Useless

Imagine if you will, a past time, a yesteryear. A time before cell phones, before jumbotrons, before live broadcasts of sports. Or ask your parents to tell you about what was normal.

Sports were still fundamentally the same. Except there weren’t booming sound systems. Or scoreboards with visuals for replay. Or people shooting clothing at you from a hand cannon.

What DID sports have? Mascots. And cheerleaders.

One of these has stood the test of time. A good mascot is a fun addition to an environment. You’ be hard pressed to find a sports fan who doesn’t know the Chicken formerly known as San Diego, or the Philly Phanatic or Mr Met or the newest all star sports mascot, Gritty of the Filthadelphia Flyers. However, most mascots are not good at what they do. For instance, when the NHL has mascot day, you learn that most hockey mascots are milquetoast facsimiles of the team logo.  They are generally harmless, so no one cares. Except that Hot Dog Race in Milwaukee. That shit is dope.

Why mention the NHL? Because the NHL created something unusual to sports. And when I say the NHL created something, it was clearly an accident, and done by the least likely of franchises- the lowly New York Islanders.

The Islanders created a hybrid of mascot, cheerleader, and unionized employee with the introduction of the Ice Girls. These were attractive young women who could skate well enough to shovel ice shavings and dump them into a garbage can- NO, not MSG- while wearing flashy outfits to amp up the crowd. And the mascot angle? The Islanders gave the Ice Girls time to do ice dancing routines, which were actually impressive.

So what did the team do with these pioneers? Fired all of them. Cool.

What the Ice Girls did was unique. Entertainers and safety workers. But what if they were only entertainers? Then they’d just be cheerleaders. And in the year 2020? Cheerleaders are fucking useless.  

Why are cheerleaders still a thing anymore? This is a question that needs to be put on the table, because the concept of cheerleaders is horribly out of date, and on a professional level is both redundant and stupid.

Cheerleaders are from a time gone by when there were no arena TV’s, no sound systems for individual walk up songs, no replays of every play no matter how mundane, and no in game trivia contest where all you need to win is know who the fuck the home team is playing.

Cheerleaders purpose is to rev up a crowd to cheer. And thanks to modern technology, you know, like a camera? Cheerleaders are as obsolete as the era that they came from.

So lets discuss that era of cheerleading. Think back to an era…say 1950’s. There were plenty of male sports in schools. Baseball, basketball, football, shoot the minority…. good old fashioned fun from when America was great.

Alabama state champs 1963. So homogeneous.

But what did girls do? They waited for a guy to get a car so they could ride in an Edsel and keep their morality by giving a hand job after a 25 cent movie and a milk shake that for some reason was made in a pharmacy. But sports?

Girls generally didn’t have sports programs. And schools? They didn’t have to provide girls sports. Title IX (9 for idiots) was the law that forced schools to give girls equal opportunities to men in academic and athletic programs. 1972 wasn’t even 50 years ago. Your grandma probably could fuck someone up but wasn’t allowed to shoot the hoop. Or take an AP class. Way to wind a pendulum to one end, assholes.

So what did girls do before Title IX? They put on short skirts, cheered for the alpha males, and bred with them after the game. Because what were athletic women to do to meet guys with similar interests?

Yes, I did see “A League of Their Own.” Love the movie. But the women’s pro baseball league needed a fucking world war to make it reality, went from 10 teams to six in a 4 year span, and died as a five team league without a central organization in 1954. Also, the players made about $1200 a week in todays money. Imagine a male pro playing for $1200 a week today?

So, these cheerleaders today? You gotta go. Why?

First off, those in house cameras and giant displays plus sound systems replaced you. Fans prefer to see their own faces while dancing like idiots on a massive screen instead of seeing a cheerleader with stupid pom poms shaking her bony over-choreographed ass from an upper bowl seat where you can’t even tell what the fuck is going on. From the upper deck in any sports arena, you have no idea what bathroom the cheerleader uses. #Trannystyle. Conversely, I will leave an upper decker in any sports arena.

Get some hips

With the inclusion of women in sports from young ages, sports have wholeheartedly embraced female fans. Look at any sports team’s website- they sell shit that no man would buy- team scented candles?? Sports purses? Eat balls. But they’re sold for a specific audience.

Plus, at every sporting event I’ve ever gone to, there are prettier girls in the crowd with way more enthusiasm for the home team than the ones getting paid to smile and dance around while they pretend that they give a shit. Here’s a truth- they don’t.

But there’s a lot more than a hardly visible side show that teams hope sell calendars.

Cheerleaders are paid like Wal-Mart cashiers.  And they have contractual demands that are fucked up, like to not eat. I get that women willfully enter these contracts because it gives them access to meet millionaires, which we all know meeting and getting filled with any rich male’s splooge is most girls dreams, but most teams prevent mingling because of the potential for lawsuits. I heard rumors that sometimes these cheerleaders even take pleasure wife contracts from wealthy foreigners, where they sell their ass into 365 loose shits a year instead of cheering for shitty NFL teams, but oddly those articles from major magazines were removed from the internet. I wonder why?

Let’s be practical. Why not have professional strippers shake their implanted tits and implanted asses for a slack jawed crowd that will crank one out after the game? Is there any difference in intent?

Then there are the geographical differences in cheerleader quality. Who wants to see girls freeze their tits off in Buffalo? Plus, a Buffalo 10 is a Los Angeles 4. Too much Beef on Weck hurts the thighs and gunt.

The Buffalo Diet

Also, cheerleading by itself is not a sport. It’s choreographed dance and gymnastics. It’s an activity, no doubt, and as athletic as exercise. But if it’s a sport, let me ask you this- how do you play defense against a cheer? Exactly. Fuck your public aerobics.

And I don’t need some oddly dressed employee to tell me how to root for my team. Do you know how I root for my team? By researching their opponents to see if anyone has a drug problem or a domestic violence case or was molested by a coach or fucked his wife’s sister or lied to a fanbase about not being a cuckold for his ugly wife (all of these are things athletes have actually done) and then I spend all game loudly reminding them at how garbage they are as a human being. Got a cheer for that, sugar? “Rah rah rah, you got AIDS!” That’s a cheer I would love.

What should team owners think about cheerleaders? One word- LAWSUIT. If I were a team owner, I would not want the headaches of lawsuits based on men doing stupid shit based on temptation, or rejection, or inconsideration, or hormones. Shit like a Hall of Fame quarterback sending a picture of his dick to a team public relations agent. If he was smart he would have sent a picture of his portfolio and said “Ever seen one this big?” Would have worked a lot better, guaranteed.

Not so super

Also, as an owner? I would not want the headaches of lawsuits based on women imagining stupid shit based on jealousy or temptation or rejection or hormones. HE’S SO SEXIST! HE’S NOT WOKE! Fuck off. Until there’s a DNA test that proves that women are incapable of lying to punish men-  especially when self interest is involved?-  bag it. As it is, the entire me too movement is questionable. They didn’t call out an actress that molested a young boy because she was a founding mother. And never forget, this is a gender that will sell out their own sons- and daughters-  to punish the father who dumps them for their psychoses making the husbands life unbearable. Never expect stability from that kind of attention seeker. There’s even a phrase for an entire gender that works really well- Trap Ass Ho.  

Lastly, as an owner, don’t sell your cheerleaders asses.

Getting rid of cheerleaders really isn’t much of an issue. Does baseball have cheerleaders? Or hockey? No. And basketball? Sort of. Basketball has dancers, and they’re also useless.  So it’s not like there would be vast joblessness.

We’re really aiming at one stupid sport. And a sport that’s so turtlesque that it needs every distraction it can get. So bring in the highlight videos! Let’s see those same old highlights over and over again! See ya, football cheerleaders!

Let me let you in on another reason to get rid of cheerleaders. It’s their deep, dark secret. Some people are afraid to say this, but I will call a spade a spade. Cheerleading teams are sexists. How many male cheerleaders do you see in pro sports? How many women lobby for men to be included on pro teams? Zero. Why? Because they’re fucking sexists. Women watch sports. Do you think they don’t want to see a pair of big hairy dangling delicious balls drop out of the goofy shorts of some Tony Robbins looking motherfucker? Nonsense. This is a choice that female cheerleaders make. Cheerleaders are sexist, and cheerleading is a sexist profession.

Could be a president, couldn’t get a job as a cheerleader.

It’s a new day. We have access to porn on our phones supported by the arena WiFi to find crank bait. It’s time to retire the cheerleader. Maybe it can be done with dignity- put a silhouette of a mini shirt up with the retired numbers in an arena. Bring back the old saggy tittied grannies who cheered for Knute Rockne for one last huzzah. Throw bologna at effigies of cheerleaders tits and asses in a parking lot. Whatever we need to end this horseshit that is as outdated as dial up internet and records running at 78 rpm.

It’s time to retire cheerleaders. Because cheerleaders are fucking useless.